Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

Your child comes to you with an uncomfortable conversation. What do you do? This topic is a tough one because as parents we are our child’s first resource and sometimes their questions and concerns could be about topics we struggle talking about – politics, race, LGBT people, anxiety, etc. Here’s how I respond to these series of events – I say series, because mine is a curious little one. First, I follow my child’s lead into the conversation. Second, I listen. Third, I give her the space to express her feelings and I acknowledge them.

Last year in my home we were talking about race, colorism and politics quite frequently. At one point, my daughter remember how a few years ago while at the playground, a white girl her age told her that they couldn’t play together because of her skin color. When I addressed her mom about what I’d heard, her mother picked her up and they drove away. It was an event she still remembered, meanwhile I had forgotten about. Since then, I have noticed her passion for lifting the voices of people of color when she completes homework assignments for school, and it has shifted my mindset of restricting certain conversations with my child. 

The truth is, a lot of parents fear that kids are not ready for these conversations. In my circle of friends and family I’ve heard people say that they want to preserve their child’s innocence. But, you really have to live under a rock to assume that your child is that naive. By the time our children leave the house, there is everyday, unavoidable exposure to the world. If we don’t talk to our children, who will? 

In the last three years I have had the privilege of supporting young people who experienced trauma, homelessness and abuse. While working with these young people I learned about the importance of “meeting youth where they are.” This means authentically and intentionally engaging with youth by meeting them where they are mentally and emotionally — in other words, building an effective partnership. In the same way, parenting is an opportunity for us to direct, support and shape our children. Our children don’t know their place in the world, and that can be overwhelming. They need us to share the truth with them in an age-appropriate dialogue. 

Recently, my daughter and I have talked about immigration, anxiety and homosexuality – at her request. They were tough moments for the both of us, but reminders of the importance of open communication. Perhaps in past generations, it was easier to keep kids ignorant to the realities of our world. I would know – my parents never talked to me about sex or birth control. But, that didn’t prevent me from getting exposed to either one. Now, with our children growing up with phones, apps and Google – there is much more information accessible to them with the touch of a fingertip. I would much rather have my child turn to me so that we can have healthy conversations around uncomfortable, new topics. Children are far more ready than parents think. They are curious and very capable of understanding.