Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

I walked into church on Sunday, and one of the greeters asked me, “Are you ready for Christmas?”

I paused. Ready? Not really. I told them I had mixed feelings. Because this year, Christmas doesn’t feel simple, joyful, or easy. The truth is, I lost the life I had in Texas. I’m living with family, far from the home I knew the last few years, and everything I own—my Christmas tree, my decorations, my things—is sitting in storage back home. 

I went through financial struggles, months of court with my ex, job rejection after job rejection, a job that doesn’t pay enough, and, most painfully, I lost my grandmother this year. Grief, frustration, and disappointment have been heavy companions. Sharing this takes humility. It feels like admitting loss, admitting I don’t have it all together.

At church, it was hard for me to worship. I opened my mouth and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t have joy right now. My heart is too heavy and I can’t pretend.” I felt God’s presence as I laid it all out, and I realized: God doesn’t expect us to be perfect or pretend everything is fine. He didn’t want me to cover up my struggles. He wanted me to bring them into the light, to experience His presence in the middle of them. So, here it is.

I’ve felt anger. I’ve swallowed words. I’ve cried at the gym when no one was watching. And yet… even in the heaviness, God is near. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I feel that truth this Christmas, even when it’s hard to feel joy. 

This season has humbled me in ways I never expected, but I’m learning that humility makes room for grace. I’ve also learned that naming what’s wrong and grieving is called lament. There can be many things to lament during the holiday season—loss, disappointment, unmet expectations, broken relationships. 

This Christmas, I’m showing up without a tree, without my things, without the life I thought I’d have—but with honesty. With faith that God is still writing my story. With hope that this season, as heavy as it is, is not the end. 

This Christmas, I may be hurting, but I am open. Open to help. Open to healing. Open to God meeting me wherever I am.

And I invite anyone reading this: bring your feelings to God. Lay them out. Lament. His presence meets us even in the hardest seasons.

To all of you navigating this Christmas season…

With love,
Jeannette | @_mujerdepalabras