Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

Rupture comes from the Old Latin word rumpere, which means to break. And broken is exactly how we feel when we rupture.

– Regena Thomashauer

“Tired.” 

For weeks, that had been my answer almost every time my therapist, Rachel, asked how I was doing, as I walked over to her couch and moved one of the pillows behind my back so I could sit comfortably. Then, I scooched over to the left.

Whenever I sit on the left side of her couch she says, “I see you’re ready to process,” referring to our EMDR processing work. However, a few weeks ago after I expressed my ongoing fatigue and overwhelm, we agreed that I needed to lighten my workload, set boundaries at home and at work, and take a break from therapy “to just breathe.” That last one really caught me off guard. 

We don’t talk about this enough, but the process of releasing things that have been stored up in the body for years can be emotionally exhausting. I’ve been seeing Rachel two to thee times a month for 1.5 years, and the truth is sometimes I leave feeling OK, other days I bawl my eyes out before I start driving back home to work, and sometimes I leave feeling extra tired. One time, I was so disoriented I forgot I was at Wal-Mart. I called my mom, like, “Mom, I forgot where I am at.” If you are feeling emotionally exhausted after therapy, it may be a good idea to talk with your therapist about how to manage emotional triggers – you definitely don’t want to be at Wal-Mart calling your mom because you don’t remember where you’re at. 

I wish someone would’ve told me that it’s actually normal to feel bad or worse after therapy. Therapy isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes courage, commitment, compassion, and strength. This experience has been painful, awkward at times, and even frustrating, but it has created space for authenticity. Adult me has realized that I have given up so much of myself to feel “safe, accepted, and loved,” due to living in survival in childhood, enduring hurtful cultural values familismo (or familism in my Latin culture), and racial trauma as an Afrolatina. To me, therapy made me feel worse because as I opened up, I started having new self-awareness and this made me question so much. There were moments I even asked myself if I was making any progress at all. I also started recognizing my need to set boundaries with loved ones, and my relationships with certain people began to change because of those boundaries. 

More to the point, it’s okay to rest and take a break from therapy or lower the amount of sessions you need. Always be open to talk to your therapist about where you’re at. In taking a step back from processing, I was able to reflect and actually see my progress. During this time, I acknowledged my feelings and experiences. I also journaled and kept notes in my phone of things that came up for me. So, the next time I saw Rachel, I knew what I wanted to talk about – recent triggers, challenges, and how I’d utilized what I’d learned in therapy in these moments. Now, we’re easing our way back into my treatment and readjusting my goals in therapy. 

Engaging in emotional work is very, very, hard stuff. As you’re uncovering your truths, you will likely feel emotions you’ve never felt before. It’s important you check in with yourself, slow down the pace of therapy if you need to, and find ways to take care of yourself after therapy. If you have room in your schedule, a gentle and calming post-therapy routine can be soothing. It may sound silly, but when I first started therapy, I would walk into Tuesday Morning to browse through the household items because it helped me unwind. Other days, I would journal my thoughts down at a cute park nearby. These days, I reward myself by going to my favorite crepes and coffee shop after therapy. Ultimately, it’s about finding what works for you! And, please remember, as you progress, your needs may change. Give yourself the love you deserve during this time. I’m so proud of you for doing this work! We’re in it together.