Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

I’d heard of “church hurt,” but I had never personally experienced it until some time ago. If you’ve never heard the term “church hurt,” it’s a term that is often used to refer to pain caused by religious institutions. Whether church hurt Is intentional or not, the wound still hurts.

For months, I was in a job where I was asked to forgive a co-worker, move on, and prioritize my work after reporting harassment from this co-worker, which left me feeling emotionally and mentally challenged. The investigation went on for months and it felt like we were going in circles with no end.  I would work hard to focus on my job responsibilities and shake it off, but I found myself tired and discouraged. If you follow my blog, you know that I’m not new to faith. I grew up in the church, worked at Christian institutions, did mission work overseas and I’m active in my church … My faith holds real value in my life. 

During those months I was really sick and tired of feeling like I had to look out for myself. This was a trying time as a Christian. Then came the comment from a superior: “I don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to let this go. You know, Christians date, too. We’ve had couples who met here and married.” 

At this point I said, “I understand Christians date, too. That’s not the situation here. That happens when two people are interested in each other and the feelings are mutual.” 

Being raised in a Christian household, I had heard so much about forgiveness from my mother my whole life. But this ask for forgiveness felt antagonistic because I was receiving the message that dismissed my experience. 

It invalidated the emotional, mental, and physical challenges of working while trying to heal at the same time, which significantly affected my ability to function normally. 

It invalidated the need for a psychologically safe workplace in which women could feel safe to report serious concerns. 

It invalidated the prayers I had already prayed for forgiveness, healing, and courage to continue doing my work, and the exhaustion and frustration that came from months of questions and running circles in the investigation process only to hear in the end that the case was closed and to be asked if I wanted my job. The next day, I left my job feeling hurt, dismissed, and misunderstood. 

I learned two crucial things in this experience: 

1. How to be more aware of spiritual bypassing. 
2. Giving the wounded space and time to heal. 

Let’s start with the first point – spiritual bypassing. Spiritual bypassing was coined by psychotherapist John Welwood, who used it to describe the act of using spiritual ideas to avoid hard, psychological issues. This is equivalent to spiritual gaslighting as a way to dismiss what others are feeling, sending the wrong message that if people had more faith, or really walked with God, they wouldn’t feel this way. For the person on the receiving end, this is soul-crushing. I remember walking along the building, reading the scriptures on the wall decor and feeling so confused. 

I am a Christian and a human with emotions – not a robot. And, God, I’m so grateful for seeking therapy during this experience. It has been key to help me accept the feelings God gave me. Repressed feelings don’t make them magically go away. You’ve only put them inside a bottle, until that bottle runs out of space and breaks. I know from experience that healing takes time. It’s selfish and greedy to want to rush someone with that process. 

If you’ve experienced church hurt in any form, I am so sorry. 

As the body of Christ we have to acknowledge our own responsibility for the harm we cause. 

As employees, and especially as leaders, we have to recognize how we lead and show up for others. One powerful example of wholehearted leadership that I recently heard on a podcast was from a Navy SEAL and it was on the importance of modulating leadership – knowing when to push people on your team and when not to, because if you push them too hard, they’ll break. In brief, he was referring to having a full grasp of the emotional standing of his team.

When you understand how your people are feeling, you can make better informed decisions and actions.