Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

Hey friend,

The holidays are here, and I hope that in the middle of the madness, you are taking care of yourself.

Believe it or not, I am writing this while getting a pedicure, and I am so relaxed I’m trying not to fall asleep on this massage chair. I started putting up Christmas decorations around our home last week. (And Christmas music the week before last!)

I’m not exactly sure what’s on the menu for Thanksgiving yet, (crazy, right?), but I do know I’ll be trying to make a gluten-free peach cobbler for the first time. I want to give myself a stress-free holiday season this year – that’s why I am nurturing myself, my home, my energy, and my mental health before the holidays even begin … something I wish I would’ve learned to do years ago.

While the holidays are normally a time to bring the family together, holidays can bring out stress, grief, sadness, and frustration.

For years, the holidays were hard for me. They brought up all my unresolved hurt, anxiety, and longing for love and connection more than any other time of the year. Plus, there was the dread of being around challenging family members. Last, I always overextended myself at the expense of my own needs. It wasn’t until recently, with the help of therapy, that I learned that a lot of my experiences were due to my cultural expectations as a Latina. I was taught to always put family first and show respect to my elders, even if certain comments made me uncomfortable and left me feeling not so great after.

This is why I’m so happy that my home church in Texas has been talking about setting and navigating boundaries this holiday season.

According to Pastor Brett Jones at Grace Church, “When you have boundaries, they tell you where the starting place is and where the ending place should be. Boundaries save families. Boundaries stand immovable and support everything good in your life.”

Check out the full message here.   

Keep in mind that setting boundaries is going to be uncomfortable, especially because you don’t know how others are going to react to your boundary setting. Sometimes after I’ve stood up for myself, I’ve been triggered by it, particularly because of the conflict that accompanied it. I’ve feared further potential rejection and abandonment that I felt in the past, and I’ve cried my eyes out. But then, I’ve been able to comfort myself and recognize that I am an adult now, and I have a say in my life.

Setting boundaries has not only been good for me but it’s also benefitted my daughter, too. Recently, my daughter shared with me that she was afraid of going back to school after a week of being out with the flu because she feared that her classmates would ask why she wasn’t at school. I told her how my therapist had taught me that not everything needs an explanation. She told me how she had told her classmate, “I just wasn’t here,” and I was proud of her. I can’t always be there to speak up for myself, but if I can lead her by example, I can trust that she’ll be OK to advocate for herself.  

If you haven’t already, please follow my blog. I do share a lot about prioritizing my health, my family of two, and being a safe space for my daughter.

So here are my top tips for limiting your stress and creating space for joy this season:

• Leave no room for expectations.
• Use “I” statements to express your needs.
• Walk away from disrespectful family members.
• Go for a walk if you’re really uncomfortable. Sometimes you need the space to breathe!
• Be real with yourself about how you feel – in that space, with those people, for X amount of time. How much can you handle?
• Say how you feel and tell that person what it is that they do that makes you feel uncomfortable.
• Show up as your adult self and enjoy the freedom that your boundaries create.