Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

We visited Arizona the weekend of Halloween, and it was a very emotional trip.

For the past year and a half, we hadn’t seen our friends and family, so this was what Ali and I both needed.

We surprised my grandmother with our arrival, and as I’d guessed, she was in total disbelief. And she also surprised us when she didn’t recognize Ali.

My grandma, “Awi” as I’ve called her my whole life, is getting older, and her health and memory are declining. Ali is also getting older and has grown to be almost as tall as me – not that I’m tall or anything – I’m 5’1.

So, when we walked into Awi’s house, she stared at us with big eyes and turned to Ali and asked, “Who is that?”

The next day, Ali seemed frustrated with me and with everything I said or did. We were on our way to meet my best friend at a pumpkin patch when I got tired of her attitude and asked her if she was okay. She burst into tears and screamed, “She doesn’t remember me!” I pulled into a gas station and held her in my arms as she cried on me, and I told her that I felt her pain, too. I also explained how dementia was affecting my aging grandmother. Ali had grown up with Awi living nearby, and they were also extremely close, so this felt hard.

I couldn’t convince Ali to go see Awi with me again that day. I knew that she needed space and time to process this new reality, as did I. I cried a lot that night thinking about how the person who had been my rock my whole life and had raised me, was losing her memory. I even thought about “running away,” and changing my flight to return to Texas the next day. My world felt upside down.

Fortunately, on the third day of our trip, I got up early to pray and journal my thoughts away, and Ali and I both felt like we were ready to give it another shot. We promised each other that even if Awi didn’t remember us, we could create memories that WE would cherish.

I knew that there was a new normal and we could either mourn over what once was, or we could embrace what still could be, and I let that hope guide me.

There is no denying that my grandma and I have a special bond. Aside from taking care of me, she would teach me how to draw before she would sew and we watched Laura en America, which was like the Spanish version of Maury, and we laughed together. Over the years, our bond became stronger. We both love coffee, and every Saturday morning I picked up her McCafe breakfast blend, apple pie, and hashbrowns to enjoy while watching cartoons. Even when I got pregnant at 19 years old, and I felt so ashamed, Awi made me feel supported, strong, and loved. She always knew what to say when I felt my life was falling apart. She is my safe space.

When we walked into her little casita, (or apartment), that day, it was like her memory never left! It was so beautiful, and I immediately felt like I was back home.

Ali accidentally woke Awi up when she went to the restroom, and she surprised me when she smiled at me as I stood next to her bed. I told her Ali was in the restroom and she beamed. “Ali came to see me?” she asked.

I sat at the foot of the bed, and we talked and talked like old times …  

I think this is the year that I’ve really learned that life is short and precious, and we never know what is around the corner.

I am content that I was able to feel my grandmother’s arms around me again as I cried on her belly, poured my heart out to her, dressed her up like a pirate for Halloween, took lots of Snapchat pictures and videos, danced, and made her laugh. I could see she was so captivated by our conversations.

I’m not sure how long she will remember me for, but as she said to me while I cried on her belly, “Life is hard sometimes, and we need to learn to adapt.”

This recent experience caused me to reflect on how life has changed for me over the last year or so and how I’ve been adapting along the way (sometimes while crying and screaming).

I’ve gone from being surrounded by my tight-knit Latino family to settling down in a new city with my mother and daughter. I’ve experienced some of the scariest street and freeway floods, rain and thunder, difficult trials at work, tests of my faith, heartbreak, and tweenager hormones.

I’ve also recognized the positives, too: making new friends, networking, starting a women’s church group, discovering new running trails, and parks, and exploring a new city with my daughter. I’ve dated, stood up for myself in my personal and professional relationships, have been using my voice more than ever, and started taking my mental health and needs seriously while navigating some hard feelings.

Life changes as the seasons do, too, and as my Awi said, there’s nothing we can do but adapt and make the best out of it.