Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

When I first told my sisters at church about my lifelong struggle with suicidal thoughts, I cried like I had never cried before. But I found that another sister understood me. She had walked along the same road I had.

When I was very young, I looked out my window and asked God to take me to heaven with Him, where I believed it was safe. I had a recurring nightmare – it would be a carefree day and suddenly I was running for my life. It wasn’t until recently that these nightmares stopped.

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A few days ago, I attended a self-love workshop for women, and I really connected with one of the speakers. After the event, I introduced myself and we had a very honest conversation about our traumas, our journeys through mental health, navigating relationships, PTSD, and self-love. She doesn’t know this, but I found so much comfort when she said:

Sometimes, in the journey you’ll feel like you are going backwards because it feels heavy and you’ll say, ‘I can’t do this. It’s too much.’ Our brains are used to responding that way. Sometimes you just need to say the words out loud to let those feelings out. But then you start moving and realize you can do this and that every day you are making progress.

I’ve had many days when I’ve felt like I just can’t …

I am a single mom who has been parenting alone for almost 10 years. I had my child when I was 20, and I immediately jumped into this new life as a mom – doing everything I needed to do to care for my little one. Looking back, I was so young. What did I know about raising a child? I didn’t know a thing – but becoming a mom helped me grow in ways that I probably wouldn’t have let myself grow.

Before becoming a mom, I was a lost wreck. I would get angry and frustrated easily, and I would break things. After exhausting myself from breaking things, I would cry and then come back to the present, slowly breathing, and eventually feeling so ashamed. I struggled with anger until my daughter was about 3 years old. I will never forget the day she stared at me with fear all over her tiny face after I had destroyed her room. I was diagnosed with PTSD.

People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened, even when they are no longer in danger.

There is no cure for PTSD. But, every day I make the conscious choice to have faith to move forward. I’m committed. I’m learning to shut off my brain from living in survival mode for so long. It’s no easy task. There are moments when I’ve watched my daughter grow up while grieving my own, lost, childhood.

I recently came across this book: In the Middle of the Mess by Sheila Walsh. I love how she says, “If we are still on this earth, then the work is not finished. God has committed to work with us in that journey…”

As a mom, I’ve also had to learn to find ways to talk to my daughter about PTSD, so she can understand me better.

For example, I’ll say, “Remember how in the show Virgin River Jack suffers from PTSD and he has flashbacks of the war? My brain goes through something very similar. I have some bad memories and they can be really upsetting. I don’t want you to worry about me. This is why mommy goes to therapy. She wants to be happy, healthy, and better for you.”  

Sometimes I share bits of details about my story that are appropriate.

My therapist is surprised to hear how emotionally intelligent my daughter is at 9 years old. Her love and care for me truly are a gift from God.

We all have struggles – things that we’re afraid to talk about. I grew up full of shame and overwhelm. And though it took me years to learn this … talking about your truth is liberating.

I don’t know what you’re struggling with, but I do know this … you don’t have to hide.

Do you also struggle with PTSD? While this guide was designed for veterans, I found it to be such a valuable tool. It can help you, too.

Though speaking the truth can be painful, sharing the secrets can bring healing.

– In the Middle of the Mess: Strength for this Beautiful, Broken Life, Sheila Walsh