Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

We’ve pretty much all heard the phrase “hot girl summer,” which basically implies unleashing your sexy side. I’ve decided I’m going through a healing girl summer.

This summer, I felt like I needed extra self-care, time to reconnect with myself, time to (learn to) be selfish, and time to feel all the emotions I’ve been wrapped up in while also learning to let go of experiences, thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve me.

I wrote a blog post about the start of my summer healing journey a month ago. In it I talked about how I’m modeling vulnerability as a mom now after never feeling safe and validated a child. Since then, my biggest insight of the summer has to do reaching back for my inner child, and reconnecting to the original me, before the trauma that shaped me.

I’m so grateful that I have a loving, supportive community in this time of growth and discomfort. Every Wednesday night I spend time with a group of friends from church. I have benefited from their encouragement, wisdom, prayers, transparency, and hugs. They’ve seen me ugly cry to the point my eyelash extensions fell off. And, I’ve been able to text the group and say “this feels so hard right now and I don’t know if I can get through it” – having this circle is so important.

This summer, I’ve also started volunteering in the kid’s ministry in my daughter’s classroom at church, and I’ve loved being around all those kids. Empowering and inspiring children has been a passion of mine for a long time. I’ve done mission work at an orphanage in Indonesia, and I’ve advocated for abused and homeless children. I’ve spent hours after work coloring and playing basketball with children living at a shelter.  Perhaps this passion stems from my own experiences as a child. And, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned the value of self-healing that inner wounded child so that the whole family can heal.  

So, how do you find your inner child?

Your inner child is deep within you underneath all the layers of everyday responsibilities, work, parenting, relationships, etc. interacting with the present in your unconscious mind.

What made you feel alive and free as a child? That was one of the first questions my therapist asked me. She encouraged me to get creative again and allow my mind to rest. As a child, I danced and sang in the mirror while wearing my mom’s jewelry. I remember wanting to be Beyoncé. I also loved to read about the world and create travel brochures of placed I wanted to see someday. I drew mannequins and outfits, collected fashion magazines, painted and wrote rap songs and stories.

On my own, I have found that experiencing life with and through my daughter’s eyes has helped me experience childlike playfulness and freedom. Last weekend we randomly drove four hours to Corpus Christi – stopping at Buc-ee’s for snacks, then Torchy’s for tacos, sang in the car until we got to the beach and jumped in the water and laughed at the sand in our butts.

But how do you heal your inner child?

Friend, this is not an overnight process. Healing takes patience, courage, love, and time. It takes an open mind and willingness to learn.

I’ve had to go back in time – to the best and the worst times of my childhood. I’ve chosen to work with a therapist who utilizes EMDR. She has talked to me about my coping mechanisms and setbacks. And, I’ve been able to walk into her room and be so real in a way I’ve never done before. It’s been a time to unpack what’s really there inside me.

I remember when I first walked in and I said to her, “I’m 30 years old,” feeling so embarrassed. She said, “I have people in their 80s just now unpacking the things in their childhood.”

To move on, you need to be honest about where you’re at. Sometimes it seems easier to suppress pain and pretend everything is fine. But, unhealed hurt eventually resurfaces and spews onto others. Healing requires you going back to nurture yourself. It means going back to the parts of yourself that have felt rejected, unheard, and unseen. This can feel a lot like self-care. I love what Stefanie Stahl says in her book, “The Child In You”:

The child in you wants to find a home.

– Stefanie Stahl, The Child In You

Diving into self-help books has been essential to this process. Here’s my current reading list:

• The Child In You By Stefanie Stahl
• Single on Purpose: Redefine Everything. Find Yourself First. By John Kim
• Happiness Is The Way By Dr. Wayne Dyer
• Forgiving What You Can’t Forget By Lysa Terkeurst
• What Happened To You? By Oprah and Bruce D. Perry

Meditation and visualization have also been powerful for me. As a single mom, life can get busy and exhausting. I wrote this blog post after laying in bed with tears in my eyes doing this guided inner child meditation, where I was able to meet, hug, laugh with, embrace and take a walk with my inner child.

I know what it feels like to have been hurt so deeply by those who you thought were supposed to protect you. I can’t promise you that the healing is easy or that you’ll get to fully understand all of your experiences.

Final Thoughts

Healing your inner child is important because as adults we often project our unmet needs as a child in our relationships. We all have an inner child that is with us all the time carrying our self perception and perception of the world around us. By working on our child issues, we break cycles within our families and get more in touch with ourselves to live a happier, fuller, and more authentic life. Just because we get older doesn’t mean we get wiser. Wisdom requires knowing yourself first. If you don’t know yourself, it’s impossible to design the life you want.