Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

Raise your hand if your child has ever been bullied.

If your hand is raised, know that mine is, too. The truth is, I never imagined the day would come when my daughter and I would face bullying. But then, the start of this new school year came with an unexpected curveball. My daughter, a kind, social butterfly was doing OK until she became a third grader in a new school in a new state.

According to the National Center for Educational Statistics, one out of every five students report being bullied. With September being National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, I wanted to encourage parents, friends, and school staff to listen with empathy, offer help and be available when hearing that someone is being bullied.

Some may view bullying as harmless, innocent teasing in the playground, but it is so much more than that. Unfortunately, there is a strong link between bullying and suicide.

I learned what was happening when I picked up my daughter from cheerleading tryouts. I couldn’t wait to hear all about cheer tryouts, but to my surprise, she got in the car and started crying. She said she was too tired to talk about it. The next morning, she cried because she didn’t want to go to school or cheerleading. She complained about her teacher and even asked if she could go back to online learning. I couldn’t understand – this was never the case before.  

However, while I didn’t know what she was experiencing at school, I understood that whatever I said in that moment could either shut down a conversation or open it up. My goal has always been to create a safe and trusting space in our home. So, I said something along the lines of, “I know school can be hard and tiring especially at a new school in a whole different state. Maybe you can try telling me how you feel.”

So, she said, “I don’t really like my teacher and I haven’t made any friends.”

After talking to her father about the situation, he advised me to speak to the school as soon as I was able to so they could investigate the situation. Honestly, that was a difficult phone call and I felt grateful to have that emotional support. As parents/co-parents, we both felt upset and helpless at what could be going on. As you can see, bullying can affect the entire family. This is WHY it is so important for families to employ honest conversations, even when the topic is hard to discuss.

It just so happened that when my daughter came home that day, she casually told me about her bully in a very unexpected way. She showed me a unicorn keychain dangling from her backpack and told me that her bully had let her borrow it. Then, she said, “It’s so weird because yesterday she wrote a note about me and passed it around in class. The note said I was ugly.” I asked my little one how she handled the situation and she said, “I told her to stop writing those mean notes about me and she pretended as if she didn’t know what I was talking about.”

It was in that moment that I found myself explaining to my third grader that oftentimes bullies don’t look or act like what adults think they look or act like. Often the bully is smart. Often the bully acts like a friend one day. Often the bully is a good student. Often bullies don’t look like the characters in movies or shows.

Later that evening, while venting to her aunt about the situation at school, she told us both that her bully was also at cheerleading tryouts.

In order to recognize bullying, parents have to be observant and communicative. Being able to ask the right questions and then truly listening is the start.

How do you build a strong, positive bond with your child?

I get this question A LOT from people who contact me on social media.

“Be the person you needed when you were younger.” I came across this quote years ago and I’m grateful I did because it influenced me to be conscious about the way I speak and move in my daily life. When I became a mom at 20 years old, I was afraid. I didn’t know what I was doing. But, the more I reflected on my own struggles growing up, the better I could make decisions to meet the changing needs of my daughter.

In my opinion, inner work is the first step – understanding that your inner child is with you as an adult and that your inner child affects your interaction with your child.

One of the key things in our home is creating a safe and trusting space. Children will feel secure when they have the confidence and assurance that they can rely on us in every way.

I make sure my daughter knows I will be her advocate. An “advocate” can be broadly defined as “someone who speaks up on behalf of others to make things better.” This has not been easy as I am naturally very shy. But, when I became a mother, I also made the decision that speaking up and asking all the right questions on behalf of my child was important. Oh yes, I am THAT mom – sorry not sorry.

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I’m still working on building better communication with her school. I wish they wouldn’t have let a week go by without giving me the assurance that they were investigating and talking things through. After finally talking to the teacher and school principal, I am hopeful that the bullying won’t persist. Her teacher said that she told my daughter how proud she was of her for going to her for help. I am so glad my little one came to me and had the courage to tell her teacher, too.

This week, due to Hurricane Nicholas, school was canceled, and my daughter was happy to be home. I also decided to sign her up for martial arts this week and she received her white belt – she was so happy! It is important to note that karate classes do not encourage the use of violence, but to use self-defense only in a dangerous situation. I saw an immediate confidence boost after her first class. That same night, she even watched “The Next Karate Kid,” the 1994 film with Hilary Swank, and just before bed, I caught her writing positive affirmations to herself, which she then threw in her lunch bag.

I’m still keeping a close eye on her and asking questions when she gets home from school. I’m still working on building her self-confidence. There’s nothing worse than finding out your child is being bullied by other kids at school. Unfortunately, bullying is a reality of our society. We see it every day even between adults. While I am a loving parent, I understand that I can’t be by my child’s side all the time or control every environment she enters. But, I will be in her corner through communication, support and encouragement.

I recently met another mom for breakfast and broke down when she told me that she discovered her fourth grader’s journal and learned that she was being severely bullied for a long time and having suicidal thoughts because of her experiences. My heart broke for her.

As a community, we need to do better to show children better. And as parents, we need to make sure that we are not encouraging bullying. Be the person your child wants you to be, so your child can be the person you want them to be.

Please, please, please … don’t raise a bully.