Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

Rejection.

Do you remember the last time you felt rejected? I do. It was when the guy I grew interested in told me it wasn’t going to work just hours after he told me he liked me A LOT. That same week, I felt it again when my supervisor scratched off my marketing campaign idea and told me to try again after I’d spent hours working hard on it. Talk about a vulnerability hangover.

The problem with rejection is how it makes us feel. We all know rejection hurts. In fact, rejection impacts the body in a pretty big way. Research found that our brains treat rejection like physical pain.

As humans, we’re wired to feel shame after rejection, and shame tries to pull us back in where it’s “safe.” Most of us would do one of two things after being rejected – believe me, I’ve done both.

1. Run away as fast and as far as possible.

2. Try to convince people that we are somebody worth loving.  

My initial reaction to both of these rejections was, “This sucks,” followed by a few tears. I was hurt and disappointed. But then, I told myself, “At the end of the day, this is a learning experience that will help you in the future. Use it to your advantage.” And, I started feeling inspired again.

So, how do you use rejection to your advantage? By giving rejection the space to make you stronger and better. I know it’s tough to see rejection in this light when you’re in the middle of it. However, your response to rejection could determine your story. Here’s how I’ve learned to deal with rejection:

1. I’m honest about what I’m feeling. I don’t try to play it off like everything is “fine.” I write down my feelings in my journal. I admit to friends and family when I’m sad or discouraged. Now and then, I need confirmation that I’m doing OK and will be OK.
2. I celebrate myself for putting myself out there. If you never get rejected, you may be living too far inside your comfort zone. Vulnerability takes courage.
3. I revive my self-worth. I kick my self-esteem up with positive affirmations, journaling and “grounding” techniques.  
4. I don’t let rejection define me. Part of standing up for your values and boundaries includes inviting rejection in. Rejection doesn’t always have to do with us. Someone’s “no” may be coming from their own fears, doubts and insecurities. People hide things we’re unaware of.
5. I reflect on what I learned. Rejection is an opportunity for self-discovery, re-examining life and preparation for what is to come. But first, you have to acknowledge it happened.

Lastly, I move on, keep trying and stay hopeful. This process may look different for everyone. I’ve learned that once I’ve catered to my pain, I can move forward. Rejection does hurt, but oftentimes rejection is redirection in anything in life. You may need that “no” to get what you really want.

Rejection has taught me to be selective of the people with whom I associate. It has also helped me decide who I want to be. Rejection has helped me set clearer goals and articulate my wants and needs. It has also taught me to value other people’s time and to be kind because I know that I will respect my boundaries and limits. Rejection can enable us to get honest about what we want if we let it. It can empower us.