Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

My first years as mom were crazy. I was so angry with my daughter’s dad – so angry I would curse him out. During our first years as parents, there were times when he’d disappear for months, only to swoop back in. The tension felt when we were in the same room was difficult for everyone. Then, after four years of co-parenting failure, he was gone. The turning point came for me six months ago when my daughter’s dad suddenly showed up at our door four years later, and by this time, my daughter was old enough to articulate what she wanted. To my surprise, she wanted to give her dad a chance, even if hurt. Even if it felt scary and uncomfortable. We hadn’t seen him or talked to him for years. While we both had learned to physically live without him, my daughter had a lot of questions and an undeniable longing. I may have fallen out of love with him, but she hadn’t.

So how did I get through this uncomfortable reality? I started putting my daughter first. I have learned that as a parent I have to adjust to the evolution of my child and truly find my inner strength.

For example, I had to prepare emotionally for their reunion when she asked me to accompany her. As we all sat outside of a Jamba Juice with our smoothies, it was obvious to me that neither of them knew what to say. I started things off by making a joke to lighten up the mood. My daughter loved that. She wanted to be able to spend time with the man she had longed to hear from all these years, but she didn’t know how to do that alone. On our way back home, she thanked me, because she knew it wasn’t easy for either of us.

A couple months after that, we moved to Texas from Arizona. They both wanted to say goodbye to each other. So, we all met up at Barnes & Noble where I found a seat by the Starbucks inside and journaled while they spent time reading books together. Then, my daughter suggested we all go get pizza – and that was a bit of a stretch for me. However, that night we all joked and laughed a lot and before my daughter and I went our separate way, her dad and I chatted and hugged.

Recently, we visited Arizona and after a visit at my grandmother’s house she said to me, “I’m really proud of you. It takes so much strength to put your pride aside for your child rather than keeping him from seeing your child.” In that moment, I realized that she was right. The problem with grudges, besides the fact that they are heavy and painful is that they don’t serve a purpose. Instead, they leave you bitter. It’s been quite amazing to see how she and my grandfather have been able to stay friends after their divorce.

These days, I try to encourage my daughter’s relationship with her father, while also looking out for her best interests. For example, my daughter may not want to talk to her dad some days or spend time with him. I respect her decisions and advocate for her when she lacks the confidence to speak up. Then, we decide what’s best.

I must confess that it’s hard sometimes. We still bump heads. We disagree. He gets on my nerves. I get upset. The thing is, I have grown and healed so much. Being a single mom has been a humbling experience. I’m genuinely happy and at peace — much happier than I ever was when we were together, so I try to not let him get to me. I’ve learned that while I go through so many difficult moments, my ex doesn’t really owe me anything and I cannot make him a better parent. I remind myself that we are not together anymore and that helps me focus on doing what’s necessary to keep my daughter healthy and happy. Above all, I listen to my daughter’s concerns, accept her emotions, provide strong reassurance and support her decisions. I also take lots of deep breaths, cry, laugh and vent to people I trust.