Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

I have a confession. I lost my cool a few days ago … Normally, I’d say I lost my s–t. But, I’m not allowed to say that anymore. If you want to know why, I invite you to keep reading.

It happened when I was helping my daughter with her math homework. Truth is, I wanted her to try doing it by herself after I had gone over how to do it more than once. But, she wasn’t staying still. She was petting the dog. She was looking everywhere but the homework in front of her. And, when she stood there waiting for me to do it for her, I was SO over it by then. Being on my period only made it worse. I already felt like my uterus was going to fall out of my body. So I yelled. And, no, this wasn’t the first time I’ve yelled at her. Believe me, I HAVE YELLED a few times. The problem? I’ve never felt great after that. You’re probably thinking, “So what? It happens. We all lose our cool. That doesn’t make you a bad parent.”

But you have to understand what I saw on this particular day. I saw the hurt in my daughter’s face as she sat still in her chair to finish her homework. I didn’t feel any better about it. I love my connection with my daughter, and I felt sad as I watched her eyes water. I asked myself why it had come down to me screaming. I even asked, if my co-worker or if my supervisor at my new job yelled at me while I was learning, would I be able to effectively do my work? Heck no. That’s when it struck me —I couldn’t go back and change my behavior, but I could model an apology and ask for a do-over. 

First, let me tell you what happened the next day. I had the day off and Ali had finished all of her assignments for the week, so we slept in. Then, we spent the morning cuddling and watching her favorite cartoons followed by a day of shopping for art supplies and clothes. When we got back home and pulled into our driveway, Ali said with the biggest smile, “Today was a good day!” I agreed, admiring her big smile. Then, these words came out of my mouth, “I’m so sorry for yelling yesterday. I shouldn’t have done that.” To my surprise she said, “I’m sorry for yelling at you too the other day.” Imagine that —pretty ironic. 

To be honest, I’d forgotten about that day she was talking about. On that day, Ali had yelled at me because I asked her to turn off the TV and then stormed into her room to let it all out. I realize that as parents, we think a lot about how our children speak to us and how they behave. We are so quick to correct them when they need discipline, but we may not always correct ourselves. Eight years of parenting have shown me that apologizing to my child when I am wrong can teach us both powerful lessons. Said in the words of Rita Pierson, a teacher for 40 years, “Tell a kid you’re sorry, they’re in shock.”

As parents, we make mistakes and it’s OK for our kids to see that we aren’t perfect. But, we need to make sure they also see what to do when mistakes happen. Before we have kids, we don’t really think about learning about parenting. So, technically, we end up doing the hardest job in the world with little to no training. When my daughter was born, I knew I wanted her to have strong self-esteem. It had taken me years to build mine. As a child I never felt valued, appreciated and confident. My father demanded respect, but never showed it. As an adult, I learned how often times the self-talk we develop comes from the patterns in which our parents and other loved ones spoke to us. 

When I became a mom, I also knew I wanted to feel connected to my child and I quickly learned that would require intentionality. For one, what I do is going to reflect on her. What I do can either tear her down or lift her up. I tested this recently. I asked Ali what Mommy’s voice sounded like in her head. Thankfully, she said my voice was encouraging and kind. She said it helped her get through some challenging days at school. She also repeated the positive affirmations I say with her daily. “I am SMART … I am KIND … I am BRAVE … I am BEAUTIFUL … I am a CHILD OF GOD.” Hearing her say the words I pour into her daily made me smile and inspired me to keep looking inward. I also told my daughter how I wanted to work on myself and asked her to hold me accountable —this includes swearing. I’m the worst when it comes to saying s–t. We’re starting off with changing how I speak for 30 days. When she catches me slipping she gently reminds me: “30 Days!”

As you consider the question of how you deliver your message to your child with your words and actions, are you patient and loving? Do your actions bless them and prepare them for the future? Do they hear how much you love them more than they hear you yell? 

Remember, the way we talk to our child becomes their inner voice. They are learning about the world and how to interact with others based on their relationship with us. 

On that note: check yo self before you wreck yo self. – Ice Cube