Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

I’m writing this post after spending five days in California with my little one. It was a trip that was so necessary. Honestly, I’ve been feeling burnt out and irritable these days. More than a year ago, I started my new role as community engagement manager. One week later, I learned that my little one wouldn’t go back to school. I would also be working from home. Soon after, I became her second grade teacher, classmate, tutor, etc. Now, that I’ve taken this break and I’ve had the time to process this hectic year, I don’t know how the hell we did it. I’d like to believe that someday things will go back to somewhat of a “normal.” But, even normal was exhausting and hard. Like so many single parents out there, I’ve had to learn to embrace the uniqueness of single parenting and give it my best shot. 

From the outside, it looks like I’m strong enough to handle it all, even to strangers on social media. I get so many compliments about the mother I am and the relationship my girl and I have. But social media and reality are two different things. We go through hard times. I can be a tough mom. A mad mom. A crying mom. A yelling mom. A mom who just wants to be left alone sometimes to recharge. Which is why I strive to be as real as I can be. If you ask me, I think the “Fake it to make it” advice is crap. You can try to fake it, but eventually who you are will show up because your mind is not aligned with your physical body and it will affect your emotional state and your physical being. I would much rather have an honest, authentic conversation than show up as someone I am not — which is why need time away to recharge. 

I will share something else about me. I recently learned that on top of being an introvert, I am an “empath.” Here’s the definition by Sydney Campos, author of “The Empath Experience”:

An empath is someone born with the innate ability to feel and understand what other people (as well as other living things such as animals and in some cases even plants) are feeling and experiencing…

As an empath, sometimes it can even feel like you’re reading other people’s minds, like you can thoroughly understand what another person means in the deepest sense of whatever he or she is trying to convey. And all of this happens subconsciously, without even trying. It’s your automatic program, always running on high alert. 

I am highly sensitive to everything and everyone’s energy around me. This is NOT noticing their feelings, but actually ABSORBING them. Imagine that. Over the past couple of years I’ve been very intentional about taking care of myself from the inside out. Meaning, I have been intentional about protecting my sensitivity and finding balance. Meaning, as fascinating as you may think I am, I need alone time.

I realize not everyone will accept that.

I’ve always been hyper-attuned to other people’s moods, good and bad. I am drained by toxic energies. I flourish around peace and love. Sometimes feeling everything is overwhelming and lonely. And so, one of the most empowering things I can do for myself is self-care. I sit with myself first thing in the morning every single day when the house is quiet, to pray and meditate in my journal. For empaths to fully enjoy being around others, they have learn to protect their sensitivity and find balance.

All my life I’ve been labeled as being too sensitive. I was also always trying to be the peacemaker in the family even when I knew certain people were no good for me. I realize now that I was trying to keep the peace to survive. As a child, I internalized a lot of negative emotions that I didn’t know how to handle. So, I was anxious, depressed and eventually suicidal. 

Now that I am more self-aware and a mom, I realize the importance of self-care and getting honest with myself. The truth is, this shit is hard. I have to constantly check myself, talk to God, pray, deep breathe, and remind myself that I cannot control half the stuff going on. I also practice mindfulness. The good news about becoming more self-aware is that I’ve learned to address unhealthy patterns. That part took painful practice. 

Whether approved or ridiculed, I’ve been truthful about my experiences, even with my little one. She may not understand what meditation is but she gives me the space to be alone. Just last night, she saw me journaling and I heard her tell my mom, “She is meditating.” 

So, if you see me go off on my own and not answering your call or text and declining an invitation, don’t be offended. Most likely, I’m processing so much at once…