Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

No one would have ever guessed that I would grow up to pursue a career in journalism because for a long time I did not speak. But journalism helped me find my voice, and so did Ali (my now eight-year-old). I knew that if I chose to stay silent, it would be dangerous for me and my daughter. I still am learning to use my voice, but when I do, it is firm, and it is honest. It is passionate and it is genuine. Silence was once my response to domestic abuse and verbal and emotional abuse from extended family members. And, in many ways, because of my faith in God, I was falsely told repeatedly that silence was the right response even when it hurt like hell.

So, when Ali was born, I decided that I was taking my voice back and I would be very intentional about the mother I wanted to be for her. Eight years ago, I was a completely different person. I was shy, awkward, anxious, depressed, and lacking self-confidence. I slowly came out of my shell when I landed my first job as a reporter while still in college. It was during this time that I also turned my life over to Jesus so that he could heal my heart and decided to seek mental help and support. As I developed an increased awareness of myself and a deep understanding of who I was, I began to find my true, authentic self.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 ESV

A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

Today, it is a practice to give myself the gift of having my own thoughts and feelings. Those who hurt me in my family have yet to apologize. When I did try to express myself, I was told that I was trying to cause drama and I was blamed for their hate and mistakes. This, I learned is called narcissistic gaslighting.

I meditate daily, protect my peace, dance often and laugh more than ever. Our home is full of opinions, truth, love, and joy. As a mother, it is important to provide my child with validation – simply meaning taking the time to really hear her thoughts and opinions. This does not mean agreeing with everything she has to say but giving her a safe home to express herself. I truly embrace who she is and make sure she knows she has a friend in me. I admit it makes me proud to watch her process information, think for herself and form her own opinion. Many would agree that she is quite wise for her age, confident, outspoken, kind and has a huge heart for the Lord. She teaches me as much as I teach her. It’s a privilege to have a voice and to raise a self-advocating child.