Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

When I look back at my own life, I see situations that would not have happened had I known how to honor myself. I realized that I had let others take over my physical, mental and emotional space to the point I was so disconnected from myself. There were people I allowed to manipulate me and disrespect me all because I had no inner sense of security, belonging and love. Early on, I was exposed to an environment that felt unsafe, full of disruption and as a child I was isolated and neglected. If I’m being totally honest, I have to admit that I struggled with self-love and acceptance especially during my teenage years and that reflected in the choices I made in my relationship with myself and with others. Now that I am a mother, I want to raise my daughter on a foundation of respect and honesty.

I think for years I was so ashamed of myself — which made me painfully shy, afraid to speak up for myself, insecure and eventually depressed. And, when I went to my mom for advice, being the Christian woman she was, her best advice was to “Keep [my] head down” or “Turn the other cheek.” But according to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, co-authors of Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, establishing clear personal boundaries —knowing when to say no — is also part of God’s plan for our lives. I want my daughter to know this deep in her soul. So when someone approaches her wanting to pressure her into doing something she knows she doesn’t want to be a part of, she will be able to communicate that clearly and will have the power to make her own choices.

How do I encourage my daughter to set boundaries? I love her and support her when she says, “no.” What do I mean by that? I let her express her feelings to me when her answer is “no,” without judgment. Then, when it’s my turn to respond, I aim to do it with kindness and understanding. And most importantly, I see my responsibility as a mother as a gift.

Take, for example, a recent experience we had with her grandfather on her father’s side who tends to pop up during special events and holidays (keep in mind, his son has been absent for over two years). Anyway, a couple of days after Christmas, I received a text. Her grandfather was asking if he could pick up my daughter. So, I told my daughter about her grandfather’s request and my daughter explained to me that she wouldn’t feel comfortable going to his house, especially without me. She then asked if her grandfather could come over to our house. I passed the message on to her grandfather. To this, he responded, “Let me speak to her.” And, she did. And, even after he begged her, she politely declined. He accused me of manipulating her and I told him I would not allow him to disrespect me and the conversation was over. After the conversation was over, my daughter suggested we put the phone away and have fun with her new scooter.  I told her I could only imagine how painful it was to be in the middle like that and how proud I was of her for speaking her truth. She said, “Thanks, mom. I love you,” and hugged me … one of those big, tight hugs.

Over the last 7 years, I’ve been more self-aware and intentional than ever. Being a single mom, healing and rebuilding yourself at the same time isn’t easy but its doable. Where I’m at in life now, I want my daughter to see her mother handling life with grace, confidence and boldness no matter the circumstances. I want her to develop thick skin without losing her softness.