Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

I still vividly remember the last Christmas we spent with my daughter’s father. It was also the last day we saw him. Since then, a lot has changed. My daughter and I have lived with my mother over the years in our small house and every year we pull out our fake Christmas tree and my daughter gets so excited to make it beautiful and bright. But, this is the second year, Christmas is a challenge financially and it’s also the second Christmas my daughter won’t get to spend with her father.

Some days, the season breaks my heart. This time of year families everywhere share so much happiness — and sometimes, it feels like my daughter and I are on the other side watching. Christmas is a time when I pray to God for a little extra strength.

Last weekend, my daughter asked, “Mom, are we going to put up Christmas lights?” And, I’d never done it before. In the past, her father would join us to put up the tree and he would help with the lights even though we weren’t together. Christmas has always been my favorite and I decided that one way or another, we would have Christmas lights. So, I pulled out some of the oldest Christmas lights and decorations we had from our garage — including things from my childhood — only to find that our lights were no longer functioning, except a pre-lit garland her father had put up around the doorway two years ago. In the cold, I tried my hardest to put up the Christmas decorations up on the roof line, with my seven-year-old daughter holding the heavy ladder below, when she asked me, “Mom, would you rather be rich and famous or would you rather work a normal job and be with your family every day?” I knew where the question came from. She was thinking about her dad, an aspiring actor, who decided to go after his dreams, and once in the past two years, left a gift bag at our doorstep with a letter for her saying he was sorry he had been away so long working on a movie. A couple nights ago she said she wished her father would come back this Christmas. If I’m honest, Christmas can oftentimes make me feel like a failing mother, not being able to offer my daughter everything her heart desires, including her wish to have her father.

But, recently, it occurred to me that the gift of a peaceful home and a happy and emotionally stable mother is worth so much. It occurred to me that God has helped me be a mother so full of love and joy despite that hole in our hearts. God has been and is with us in this. Everyday is an opportunity to learn and grow. This year, I turned all of my energy into being confident and grounded and of course, life has has thrown many things at me in the process. I lost my job, used up most of my savings and worked at a job I hated just to provide. I learned a lot about myself and my daughter this year.

We have a box of inspirational quotes and each day we pull a different one. A few days ago, my daughter pulled one that read, “We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same,” and she read it out loud. Then, she hugged me and said, “You are strong, mommy.” Her love encourages me to keep going. This year has shown me how much she already appreciates me. This year has shown me the power in focusing on what’s going right instead of what’s missing. This year has shown me that holidays don’t have to look like years past. For example, this year we made Christmas sugar cookies from scratch, handmade felt ornaments for our tree and attended free Christmas community events. We even began writing three things we’re grateful for in a journal every night. I’ve been encouraged to live intentionally and to make this a joyful, minimal Christmas.