Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

When Ali’s dad and I broke up, I knew dating would be hard. First, I knew I needed time to decompress and there were many things I still wanted to accomplish. I was busy working full time as a reporter and finishing school and it felt impossible to share my time with anyone. But, of course, there were moments when I did miss having someone to talk to — someone I was deeply attracted to. In fact, when I talked my mom’s ear off, she’d joke, “you need a boyfriend.”

Here’s the truth: I didn’t feel ready. So, I started investing in myself — I took up cooking, exercising, volunteering, meditating, traveling and creating meaningful friendships. During that time, I did see a few guys who I initially was interested in. However, they didn’t last very long. And I’ve recently realized that I think it’s probably because I had/have other priorities. Despite my own personal wants and needs, my daughter has always been my number one priority and that’s not something I’m willing to compromise. Still, I want my daughter to know that it is possible to fall in love again, that she does have the power to decide what doesn’t serve her and that being single can be empowering. Because, in the process of dating I have gotten my heart broken and I have cried and I have doubted, but I’ve always picked myself back up. 

Our lives are perfectly imperfect. There are drawings on our wall she made with permanent markers that I still haven’t figured out how to remove, toys all over the floor and in the bathtub, piles of laundry to fold and sticky old candy in the backseat of my car. Sometimes I’m messaging back a guy that I’m doing “Great!” while I’m in the bathroom hiding from my kid. Still, I love my little family unit – made up of grandma’s unconditional love and three, very annoying, poodles. And that little family unit of mine deserves to feel loved and respected. It’s necessary that my daughter has a strong sense of self, knows what she needs and knows when to let go.

It’s been a lot of trial and error for me and of course I have limits on the time and energy I’ll invest in someone. For instance, the ghosting me for a week or two and then sending me a “miss you” text is an awesome way to turn me off. Or — coming on too strong and interrogating me about my kid’s dad and talking about marriage after a few weeks of dating. The thing is, I don’t need to be in a relationship, or get married and have more kids before I’m 30, but literally only because I’m human, and at the end of the day we all want to feel a connection.

While some days Ali makes it a little hard on me when she says she wants me to get married because she wants a sister, and while some days I worry of all the more ways I could disappoint her, it’s definitely still rough out there for this dating, single mom.

Before, I didn’t want to tell guys about my kid because I thought that part of my life was unattractive to the guy on his profile that read “NEVER MARRIED AND NO KIDS” in his profile. But why should motherhood be something used against me?

I had one guy tell me, “the last single mom I dated made her child a priority and I couldn’t do it.” I told him, “She must’ve been a great mom, and maybe you should reconsider they type of woman you are looking for.” And, he disappeared. I had a another guy who would show up uninvited, never wanted to leave AND made comments about my body. Other men who told me they felt “scared” and that I “deserved better” — umm … boo? Didn’t know I was so scary. Others who found me attractive BUT “didn’t know what they wanted.” Yeah, even my 70-year-old grandma could answer that one. In fact, we were watching a novela (Spanish soap opera) a few days ago when a man and woman were in a hotel room. I wasn’t paying attention but I heard my grandma say, “She doesn’t want to you fool!” And I asked, “What does he want?” And she said, “What is the one thing ALL MEN WANT?” 

Thankfully, I have a sense of humor, and girlfriends I can laugh it off with.