Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

“I love you because you are so strong” is my favorite compliment to receive from my significant other. It delights me because after a lot of disappointment, pain, trauma and chaos I had to work so hard to find the necessary peace within myself. Any and every trauma survivor deserves all the peace and security that a loving relationship can provide.

After having survived my childhood trauma, when I was 21, I was sexually abused. After the abuse, I continued with my life. For a long time, it was easier to “forget” than to actually deal with my emotions. But that didn’t stop my subconscious mind from feeling shame, fear, anxious and angry.

I slowly discovered that in my relationships I wasn’t being my authentic self, because I was worried to live my truth. My truth is: I struggle with trust and intimacy because of my past.

For years, even after it happened, I knew that deep down I wanted to be loved, understood and  cared for. But, my experience made me so doubtful I questioned every man’s motives, no matter how hard I tried not to.

While I’ve come a long way, opening myself up to someone again after enduring a traumatic and abusive past has been somewhat painful. My significant other is the first man I’ve been able to open up to since the assault. It helps that we were friends long before we became lovers and that we both live a life to serve Christ. He truly cares about me, supports my healing journey, encourages me through prayer and wholeheartedly accepts me. Still, even knowing all of that, I still have a lingering fear that one day he will run out of patience in helping me through my insecurities.

Learning how to be loved has been a vital part of my healing. My relationship has encouraged me to continue learning and working on myself. It has allowed me to become aware of the connections between past abuse and my current feelings and to realized that I don’t have to live from a constant state of fear — but rather, from a state of confidence in Christ.

In this new chapter, life is teaching me the importance of grace and forgiveness. Forgiveness comes from a place of no longer feeling like the victim and  becoming empowered. The first part of my journey, I had to do alone. I had to allow myself to go through the tears, the anger, the stages of realization and grief and looking deep inside of myself through the Word of God. The second part of my journey, was finding a women’s support group with other survivors I could totally open up to. The third part of my journey has been about surrendering to love – love for myself and love from others.

It took nearly six years for me to let love in again. Truthfully, I ended a lot of relationships and ran away from them because I was so afraid to be open to love … until I ultimately had no choice but to let love in.

Love continues to heal, reinvent and mend my soul.