Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

 

Let me start off by saying that I am celibate. For many people, both men and women, living a celibate life is weird, especially in your 20s — a time when most are just happy to be included in all the “fun.” For me, my 20s have been about self-discovery, healing, having faith and working on my career. After a series of conversations with men specifically, I was led to writing this post. I recognize that choosing to steer away from the “norm,” will make people question your life of celibacy and even make fun of you for it. If I’m honest with myself, I can admit that there have been moments in my life where people’s lack of understanding has hurt. In my experience, I’ve been labeled as boring. I’ve been told that in order to keep a man, I have to give him some action. Then, there are those people who look at my daughter and back at me with the … seriously? … look.

As a teenager and Catholic, I was taught to wait. But, as a child, watching my parents’ traumatic relationship, taught me to protect myself and not give all of my care into relationships. But that also shaped the way I saw myself. I was less sensitive and emotionally connected because I’d conditioned myself to have a wall. I found that I needed to feel in control so that I wouldn’t get hurt. There were times I thought I was acting out strength but it was actually out of weakness. Growing up I was thick, shy, socially awkward, short and had a unibrow. I had big, curly Afro hair. The boys I liked never liked me back. I remember one time my cousin came over after school and said that one boy I liked didn’t like me because my face was hairy. Then, another time, my dad told me that with no boobs and no ass I would never be any man’s type. As a result of all of this, I spent years feeling unworthy and needing validation from people in my life.

I realized that I was preventing myself from being at peace with my past and my past was controlling my future and my decisions were hindering me from becoming the person God wanted me to be. Choosing to be celibate was not about me finding “the one.” It was about the fact that I had been in toxic, abusive relationships that had completely shattered me, led me off to harmful behavior and closed me off from God’s hand in my life. So you can see why I am not afraid to walk away from men who do not support my commitment to celibacy. And this is why I love the clarity, peace and feeling of letting God put the pieces of my life back together.

Being celibate is about being so complete in myself and believing that sex isn’t the admission fee for love.

I’ll never forget the night I went out with a friend who had been terribly offended that no hot guys had hit on her that night and that meanwhile I had rejected one after the other. She had it with me when I barely paid attention to a football player in the crowd. She said to me, “He was a football player. What the heck is wrong with you?”

That same football player told me that I should allow myself to be “hunted.” Who says a woman can’t be the pursuer?

It takes so much faith and courage to remain single and celibate in a lustful world. Waiting is loving yourself and ultimately reclaiming your power.