Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

We’re about a week in and I realize: I know nothing about being a stay-at-home mom. The day after I left my job, my daughter and I took a drive to San Diego and spent the entire day at the beach before starting our new routine. I was getting her ready for school when she said, “Mommy I love spending time with you but you have to go back to work. Who will buy me clothes and food?” On one end, I thought: Good. She sees I’m responsible. She understands my sacrifice. On the other end, I suddenly had anxiety. When I left my job I left full of faith and financially secure. Still, I had to bring myself back to earth and remind myself of that. Sure, while working I’ve had the luxury of affording gel-manicured hands and toes, highlights, visits to the arcade and mini vacations with my daughter. But let’s get real — budgeting has been part of my story as a single mother and I am grateful to have had a mother who taught me to be financially responsible, humble and on top of that to be surrounded by a loving and supporting family who has looked out for us and our mess.

Speaking of mess …

Being a stay-at-home mom has changed my routine, strategy and overall perception! Around 5 p.m. I find myself asking the same question — where the heck did the day go? I used to wake up, leave for work, go to the gym during my lunch hour and then go study or do homework before picking up my daughter from the sitter’s. I’ve realized that we literally have had two separate lives. Nothing about my day is mine. Waking up I have to decide — do I want to exercise or get work done before my daughter wakes up? Then, once I am in the kitchen it seems like I am in the kitchen for hours. Even my phone isn’t mine anymore. If I don’t give it up I’m stuck listening to a five-year-old ask every five minutes, “Mom, can I use your phone?” Or — she’ll sneak up and take it and cry when I say I need it back. Let’s not leave out the body part — today I tried to cuddle with her for a few minutes after finishing my homework and she decided that she wanted to tickle my boobs. After a while it just hurt! Then, I’m in the kitchen making a protein shake when she, out of nowhere, runs up to me and sticks her head under my shirt. Talk about feeling violated. Her reasoning: “I was cold and I needed a blanket.”

As I write this, my eyes are exhausted and I know I am at my end. Can I say it again? Being a stay-at-home mom is EX-HAUST-ING. I went to a Travis Greene concert last night and my friend joked about how I couldn’t be as tired as he was after working a 13-hour day. I could’ve punched him but God … Then he said that he knew no matter how tired I was, my laugh and my smile showed how grateful I was to be spending the time I had been with my daughter. Even those creepy, weird moments like when all she wants to do is tickle my boobs.

I share this because even I don’t have motherhood all figured out yet. And because there are days when I do crumble and find myself yelling, “Sh**!” Days when I do feel guilty for wanting a break to myself. These moments and thoughts do happen. Some days the dishes stack up. Some days I’m dancing in the kitchen cooking and other days my feet/ankles are too swollen from excess fluid so we’re sitting at Chik-Fil-A eating chicken sandwiches.

The moral of the story …

Everything changes when you become a mom. A working mom. Or …. a stay-at-home mom.