Mommy Finger, Baby Finger

In 2012, I was just two years into college and I became a single mom. I knew my life would change the day the test result came back positive. I was terrified. I was a mess. I got depressed. I was failing my classes. To make matters worse, when I talked to one of my journalism professors, she took me out into the hall and said, “I can’t help you. At this point I would drop this class.”

Side note: Years later, I would come to find out from one of my cousins that that same professor was also single mom, who for years, juggled with her daughter while working as a reporter — yet she had no sympathy for me. 

Surely, there were many hard times that followed after that and many more tests. One doctor told me that I was carrying twins and that one was growing outside of the womb and that I could potentially bleed to death (this is called an ectopic pregnancy). Other doctors believed that I was at a high risk of miscarriage and those words are still printed on most of my paperwork. Despite the fear to become a mother and the constant arguing with Ali’s dad, I eventually got so tired of the doubt. In my darkness, God told me to be brave, and every day He gave me the encouragement I needed to make it through.

It took some time, but eventually I realized God had given me an opportunity: This was a chance to re-direct my life and to allow God to bring out the best in me by learning to trust Him with our future. 

Since Ali was born, I’ve managed to push through working full-time as a reporter, studying full-time and raising a little girl. Recently a colleague turned to me and said, “I don’t know how you do it. You are what people would call: A SUPERMOM. I thought, if only she knew the maze that I get to navigate through. The night before, I had gotten home from work at 10 p.m. and my mom had already put my daughter to sleep. Ali hadn’t seen me all day because she was also asleep when I left to work. I would be lying if I said that I never get overwhelmed. In fact, my bathroom mirror contains Post-it notes with some of my favorite scriptures.

1 Samuel 1:20 “So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son.”

In this scripture, Hannah pours her heart out to God and she is heard. One prayer that has been placed in my heart every morning while I struggle out of bed is, “Lord give me strength for this day.”

There’s also this book that has given me lots of hope. In “Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely,” Lysa TerKeurst writes:

“In the quiet of an early morning, honesty finds me. It calls to me through a crack in my soul and invites the real me to come out, come out, wherever you are. Not the carefully edited edition of the me I am this year. No, honesty wants to speak to the least tidy version of the woman I’ve become. The one I can’t make look more alive with a few swipes of mascara and a little color on my lips.”

To me, that quote is so relatable because I know for me, my ambition and need to feel in control of my life is a daily battle. There was a day last week when I pulled up into our driveway with my daughter and I cried and cried. Through the tears, Ali hugged me and said, “It’s OK, mommy. God will protect us.” When we went inside, I took a hot bath. While sitting there in silence, Ali came in and using her miniature bucket toy, she poured water on my back, washed my face and gently kissed my nose.

That night, I asked Ali if she wanted to pray. She said yes and surprised me when she began to pray on her own out loud. “God thank you for this day. Bless my house … bless my bed … bless my mommy …”

I’ve done my best over the past five years and I’ve had the privilege of seeing God’s mercy and grace. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the child and Ali is my mother. While I know she is a child, sometimes I know God uses her to speak to me. Sometimes, His voice is soft and I struggle to block the other noise out and other times, His answers are loud and clear.

Momma, this is me placing my hand on your shoulder. It was never God’s intention us to go through life alone. Even when life abruptly changes, God’s love for us never does. As I sit here and write this, I can remember the many times God carried me out of my darkness. I can remember moments when I couldn’t see a way and then He left me speechless.

In this new season of my life – one of self-discovery – I’ve found myself at a point to fully surrender my will to God. This is not my final destination and it isn’t yours either.